Songs have a magical way of transporting us back in time, stirring up the deepest of emotions—both joy and sorrow. Today, I heard a song from Adele's album "19" which I love, but as much as it brings me joy it reminds me of a rough season I went through in my 20s. The entire album stirs something profound within me, particularly tracks like "Chasing Pavements" and "Make You Feel My Love". Music, in its timeless allure, often becomes our companion in the loneliest of times. When Adele's voice filled the room, it wasn't just a melody but a mirror reflecting my past pain.
"Chasing Pavements" poses the haunting question, "Should I give up or just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" This lyric encapsulated the dilemma I faced in a past relationship, filled with confusion and a longing for direction and belonging. Then there's the song, "Make You Feel My Love", where Adele sings about doing everything to make someone feel her love, echoing my attempts to prove my worthiness. The line, "I know you haven't made your mind up yet", always hit hard, reminding me of the painful efforts to convince someone to choose me, to see my value. Hearing this was always painful; it echoed the times I felt desperate for worthiness, much like Meredith Grey in the television show, "Grey's Anatomy" pleading to Derek, "Pick me, choose me, love me". My struggle for acceptance was a significant and exhausting part of my past relationship. I was tirelessly trying to prove my worth to a man I was dating, who, I was led to believe...had chosen me.
Yet, there always lingered a sense of his non-commitment—a feeling that shadowed the relationship. On a side note, it turned out he had been unfaithful multiple times and ended up marrying one of these women—but that’s a story for another day girl! Nevertheless, abandonment has always been a battle for me; it felt as if he had already left or was on the verge of leaving, which left me feeling insecure and in a constant state of trying to prove that I was good enough for him to stay.
I've come to understand that triggers will always be a part of life for those of us who have endured trauma. For me, certain songs are triggers. Yet, we can't always simply switch the station when they come on. In my journey of healing, I've had to unpack many bags. Each time I discarded a piece of my past burden, I found my steps lighter, and my path clearer. These triggers, while challenging, are there to teach us something vital about ourselves. Through this process, I've discovered that I am far stronger than the 29-year-old insecure woman I once was, aimlessly chasing pavements.
Now, when I listen to these songs, they still stir a bit of sadness and evoke memories of who I was back then. However, I use them as a reflective tool to see how much I've grown. They remind me not only of where I’ve been but also of how far I’ve come and who I have become. The music that once symbolized pain now underscores my resilience, and my capacity to transform and triumph over the trials of my past. It’s a poignant reminder of that poor, broken young woman I once was, lost in a darkness so profound I couldn’t see any light in my life or within myself. I was bumping around in the darkness, hiding the internal battles I was going through, unseen by those around me.
If I could step back in time and whisper to my 29-year-old self, I’d say,
“Chin up girl, let those tears fall for the last time over someone who doesn't deserve them! If you find yourself having to beg for him to choose you, then recognize he's already made his choice! Move forward. Open your eyes to reality, not just the illusions of what you wish to see. Know deep in your heart that you are enough—more than enough. And trust, in time, you will find someone who will choose you without hesitation, without doubt, and you’ll never have to question your worth again.”
I invite you to see a part of your own story in mine. Though our experiences may differ, the essence of our struggles often resonates on a universal chord. The act of unpacking, as daunting and painful as it may be, is a profound step towards healing. It’s about confronting those packed-away fears, unspoken pains, and shadowed corners of our hearts.
I understand the weight of such a task; it can feel overwhelming to open those sealed boxes of our past. But remember, every piece of baggage you unpack lightens your load, making the rest of your journey towards healing a bit easier, and a bit more hopeful. The path to recovery isn’t linear—it twists, it turns, and sometimes it circles back on itself. However, each step forward, no matter how small, is a step towards a lighter, freer you.
Transformation Takeaways: Consider these Transformation Takeaways key insights to guide your journey through change and personal growth.
Choose Self-Love Over Seeking Approval: Instead of looking outward for validation and pleading for someone to "pick me, choose me, love me," we must turn inward. Affirm to yourself that you won't beg for love or chase validation. It's about choosing yourself, recognizing your own worth, and knowing that you deserve someone who sees and values you without persuasion. Your most crucial choice is, and always will be, choosing to love and honor yourself.
Unpacking is Essential for Growth: Even when it's tough, unpacking our emotional baggage is necessary. It allows us to move forward without the weight of our past experiences dictating our future choices and happiness.
Self-Respect as the Foundation for Relationships: The cornerstone of any healthy relationship is self-respect. Before we can truly connect with others, we need to establish a deep, unwavering respect for ourselves. This self-respect will not only guide us to make healthier relationship choices but also serve as a shield against those who do not value us as we deserve. Remember, the relationship you have with yourself sets the standard for all others in your life.
Reframe and Learn from Triggers: While certain things will always be triggers, we have the power to reframe them. Instead of allowing these triggers to pull us back into pain, we can view them as reminders of our strength and catalysts for further growth.
Wisdom Workouts: Engage with our Wisdom Workouts, designed to stretch your perspectives and strengthen your understanding, turning reflection into a powerful tool for personal enlightenment.
What piece of wisdom or support would you offer your younger self, knowing the challenges you’ve faced and the growth you’ve achieved?
In what areas of my life have I been seeking validation from others, and how can I begin to fulfill that need from within myself?
What steps can I take to reinforce my self-respect and ensure that my relationships reflect the love and value I hold for myself?
How can I reframe my triggers not as setbacks, but as opportunities for growth and self-discovery?