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"Revelations of a Survivor'" are my lessons hidden in the journey of surviving and living through domestic abuse. It is an ongoing ever-changing process of development throughout the physical and emotional recovery, the judicial process and everything else in between. This is a series" of transparency and vulnerability during moments in which I share my revelations and lessons along my ever-changing story.
God Recycles our Pain
I was speaking to a good friend today and she was amazed that hear me say that I don't hate my (abusive) ex for what he has done (and continues to do). You see, not only is he now serving six years in prison, but prior to his incarceration; he manipulated the judicial system with every tactic he could to prolong it...nearly two years! He has and is still, continuing to lie by trying to make it appear that I played a part in my abuse/injuries. Now incarcerated, he's filing every appeal, motion he can, to be released. As frustrating as this whole experience has been, I have never held any hate in my heart; I've never wished him harm...but only that he reap the evil he has sown. I told my friend that,
"a guilty conscience is one of the worst things in the world. They (the enemy) is stuck, so they have to come up with schemes and strategies to protect themselves".
She then asked me if I thought he felt guilty, I told her "yes, I do". Unbelievably, despite all the attempts, lies and schemes he has tried, his motive is to protect himself, which is ultimately an instinct we all possess. However, he would never admit that he's guilty, as that would admit his wrong doing.
It has not been easy to sit back, watch and endure all that he has tried to use to break and demean me and my character. Many a days, I have fallen on my knees and asked God to give me strength, as it was such a heavy cross to bear.Many a days in court I wanted to call him a liar to his face and expose him and his lies. Yet, I have learned to sit still.
"God has taught me that he will speak for me, and I need not utter a word. When we speak, the price we pay is high for not getting out of the way and letting God speak for us, God already promised us:
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
"We just have to sit still, there is nothing needed on our part "You don't have to sing sad songs, be depressed and lose sleep tossing & turning for anyone that done you wrong. GO TO SLEEP and rest in God, because vengeance belongs to the Lord, & if you just be still & the Lord fight your battle; God can do more to your enemy in one day than you can In a lifetime. Take your hands off of it! "
I don't hate him, yet I struggle with forgiveness. Many tell me that "it will take time" and that" it’s understandable if you can't forgive right away". Yet, deep in my heart, I know that I am wrong for not allowing myself to forgive, despite the continued evil attempts to destroy me. If I really want to be honest with myself, it’s as though I'm waiting on "permission" to forgive. It's as though, I'm waiting on someone to tell me it's okay and I'm not crazy for forgiving the unforgivable. Just as my heart will not allow me to hate and become bitter, my heart also longs for closure. However, I know that God has already given me permission and that closure doesn't come from any one person or situation, it comes from God.
This is moment when we have to tell ourselves:
"I know you did me wrong, but this is the moment for me to get out of my flesh and be more like God. If God can forgive you, then so can I. Maybe God is waiting on me to make my move so he can make his in my life." Sometimes it's doing what you don't want to do that creates the biggest growth and shift in our lives. There is no need to hang onto it, because as long as we do, God cannot take it from us and use it/ “ recycle it”.
"Recycling is a process of breaking down our junk/ trash in its original form, and turn it into something else, by repurposing it, in order to create something brand new. If a mere man, can take that process to create something out of garbage...what do you think God can do for you!? God does the same thing for the evil that others try to use against us. He takes something that is nasty and evil and uses it in our lives to make us brand new."
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives"~Genesis 50:20
God Recycles Evil in three ways:
1. Never leaving us: There was never a time in the midst of all you were going through that God wasn't with you. You may have thought you were alone, but NEVER did he leave you. "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" ~Hebrews 13:5
2. He lifts us ABOVE whatever you are going though (not by lifting us OUT... but ABOVE): If God took us OUT we'd never have a testimony so we can look back over it and see that [he] brought us through it!
3. Never letting one word to us fall to the ground: Every spoken word to us, he never lets is fall, he stands behind everything he promised us. God keeps his word, just as he said "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" & that "Vengeance is mine".
Just as Joseph was dropped in the well and it should have killed him, we all know that it didn't because there was no water! There are things that could have killed us if there were other factors, just like Joseph and the dried up well. We may have come close to being killed, but we survived, because God made sure the other factors or possibilities (that would have killed us) did not come to pass. We survived it because of what God allowed!
This message I heard today was exactly what I needed (and hopefully someone else out there, that is going through the same experience). I am, forever changed from this experience; I am not the woman I once was before the storm. God lifted me ABOVE this experience, so that I have a testimony, to just how amazing God is! I have used what was supposed to kill me, to try and save the lives of others. I know in my heart that forgiveness is the closure that I am waiting on; I am at the verge of a breakthrough, I can feel it....
To view the sermon by Bishop Timothy Clark, that inspired this article, Click Here
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