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Revelations of a Survivor: I Can't Sleep

"Revelations of a Survivor'" are my lessons hidden in the journey of surviving and living through domestic abuse. It is an ongoing ever-changing process of development throughout the physical and emotional recovery, the judicial process and everything else in between. This is a series" of transparency and vulnerability during moments in which I share my revelations and lessons along my ever-changing story.

"I Can't Sleep"

Journal Entry- 6/18/15

Yesterday during my counseling session with "Sarah", I told her not only has this upcoming jury trial have me anxious when I am awake... but also when I am trying to sleep. For the past two weeks, at night when I close my eyes and try to go to sleep; I feel as though I am in same house/room (despite the fact we have moved houses since the attack). The girls and I couldn't live in the shadows of what happened there and we needed a fresh start. Prior to moving, I let the girls pick out new dishes, silverware etc. for the kitchen. I sold and gave away old furniture in the kitchen and dining room, I bought new beds, comforters and lamps for their rooms, towels and shower curtains for the bathrooms, etc. Obviously, I could afford to redecorate the whole house, but I tried very hard to visually not take the "old" with us and start over.

In my room, I bought a dresser and new furnishings to make that environment visually different too. It was more- so important in this room, because this was the room in which my ex first attacked and attempted to kill me. I bought a new dresser, new lamps, I painted my end tables bright blue ( they were black before), I bought a new bedspread, and pillows, etc. However, the one thing I probably should have made my first priority to dispose of, was my bed. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but because replacing a king size mattress is expensive! Lets just say that now it is now at the top of my priority list.

Anyhow, I lay on the same side of this bed that I used to lay on in the other house and it (the bed), is directly across the room from the door ( just like in the last house); there is a window on the right side of the wall and my bed (just like the last house); I just realized, there is a mirror next to the window....is happens to be the same mirror I had next to the other window ( just like the last house). To my left, there is a hallway that leads past two walk-in closets and into my master bath ( which as you guessed....is on the same side of the room, as the last house)!!

When darkness falls and night creeps in, that is when we try to rest: rest our bodies and our mind... but that is when the devil is most at work; he creeps in like a thief in the night and tries to rob us of our peace.

I know it may he hard to believe, but my bedroom ( and the new house) are nothing like the old one. However, in some ways ( just like most houses), things are structured the same way ( i.e master bath's are generally towards the back of a house vs. front). Never once, until recently... had I thought about it though. It seems my unconscious thoughts are more conscious and present at night, as this is when the world around me is quiet and I am left alone with my thoughts (which seems to be when they are the loudest).

Lately, when I lay my head down and close my eyes, I am transported back into that room of horrors. During the day, it doesn't bother me, but at night...the shadows and silhouettes of the window and doorway's, create the illusion that I am surrounded by the old room I almost lost my life in. My PTSD kicks in, I instantly start to hyperventilate and my heart starts to beat so fast it frightens me. I find myself drawing even closer to John (my boyfriend), who then...more than ever, becomes my "security blanket". I cuddle up under him to feel his warmth and his skin against mine, in order assure me of where I am: which is in the safety of his arms and a new home that is occupied by nothing but love. The only thing left to do is pray that God cover me with peace and calm my spirit. I must remind myself, that not only am I covered and comforted by John's human touch , but more importantly, I am covered by the blood of Jesus and the Holy Spirit... which is all I truly need.

This morning, I woke up and immediately removed the mirror and swapped it with a picture I had hanging on the opposite wall!!! :-)


Battered Not Broken, Inc. a Domestic Abuse 501 (c) (3) Organization providing education, support, empowerment, and resources for victims of domestic abuse.

Disclosure Notice: This blog is a personal blog written and edited by the blog owner, written for their own purposes, which is but not limited to: spread hope, encouragement, support and education in regard but not limited to intimate partner abuse. The details (personal or otherwise) views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog owners (unless noted or cited otherwise). If the blog owner claims or appear to be an expert on a certain topic or product or service, it is based on the blog owners own expertise or personal knowledge o r experience and are therefore worthy of such endorsement. Any product or service, claim, statistic, quote or other representation, should be verified with the manufacturer or provider.