"Humanness in Weakness"
"Revelations of a Survivor'" are my lessons hidden in the journey of surviving and living through domestic abuse. It is an ongoing ever-changing process of development throughout the physical and emotional recovery, the judicial process and everything else in between. This is a series" of transparency and vulnerability during moments in which I share my revelations and lessons along my ever-changing story.
Journal Entry 6/17/15
I met with "Sarah" (my therapist) today and told her that I'm feeling anxious about going to court and testifying in trial. I have anticipated this day for nearly two years. However, I I feel like I have done so much work to move past where I was.... and going to court means I have to pull everything out that I worked so hard to put away. In these 18 months, I have learned to compartmentalize all of it and now I have to go back there. I have worked so much to not be a "victim" and having to get on the stand and show the "weakness" is a feeling like I'm going backwards.
I feel the need to be transparent and show and tell the jury how difficult it was to endure the trauma of the experience then and after. I feel like, if I show how strong I am and how far I have come to overcome it, it will minimize the severity of the assault. More-so, I don't want to appear "weak" in front of him as I have worked so hard to not let him or the experience break me. She encouraged me to not look at it like that. She told me, I don't appear "weak" in telling my story. Instead, I need to visually and emotionally transport people (the jury) back to the room with me, so they can experience the magnitude and feeling of someone trying to kill you as well as chanting the words during the act. "Sarah" said,
"Marica, you can take people there, without having to stay there; taking people there and expressing the emotion, does not make you weak... it makes you human. Hearing those spoken words was truly an "aha ha' moment that I needed to hear.
My Grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness. ~2 Corinthians 12:9