When We Ignore the Signs: The Problem with Rationalizing in Relationships

As featured on The Praying Woman.com

A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. (Proverbs 22:3)

As a survivor of domestic abuse, people often wonder why I (or other victims) stay in abusive relationships. All I can tell you is there are as many reasons as there are stars in the sky- there is no simple answer. I am certain we all have stayed in a relationship or marriage longer than we should have at some point in our lives. Despite our partner being abusive, having drug or alcohol addiction, committing infidelities, or being simply not as committed as we were...we have all made decisions to stay longer than we should… all the while knowing we deserved better.

When I share my story of domestic abuse, the look on people’s faces goes from shock…to a look of confusion as they mentally attempt to analyze the “why” and ”how” someone who once loved me could commit such a heinous act. I have had people ask me, “What did you do to make him act like that?” or even “Was he drinking? “(As if there must be a reason to explain his behavior). Unfortunately, it is easier for people/society to rationalize and believe that a woman must have been at fault or the man (or woman) has a mental disorder before they can accept that the violence was a purposeful and deliberate act. This speaks volumes in the wake of understanding the perception and reasoning of society in their attempt to “rationalize” rather than acknowledge the facts.

Long before my ex-boyfriend became physically abusive, he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. It was subtle at first, little things like shifting blame on me, falsely accusing me, to him being insulting in front of others, to him withholding affection. I remember rationalizing his behavior…as it made it easier for me to accept his actions, which ultimately validated my staying. Rationalization means starting with a conclusion and then trying to work backward to prop it up. We as humans tend to take negative things and spin them until they have a positive meaning. I found ways to convince myself that there was a reason for his behavior (saying things like - he was under stress, he was mourning the loss of his mother, it was my fault because I was pregnant & hormonal.

For example, let us say your boyfriend is giving you every indication that he is losing feelings and wants to break off your relationship. However, you are so terrified of losing him… that you seek out every bit of "evidence" you can find, to convince yourself that he still loves you and wants to be with you forever; instead of seeing his actions, you begin to rationalize.

"You spin his negative statements until they have positive meaning — you blow the tiniest hint of a semi-pleasurable response from him vastly out of proportion — and that which you cannot spin or inflate, you evade. "

You concoct a "reason" for everything- he's tired, he's sick, he's "not himself," he's under stress, and will soon be back to normal. Nothing in your method is geared toward understanding the facts of reality; instead, it specifically avoids the one fact that you cannot bear to accept: that your relationship is irrevocably doomed!

"A person who is rationalizing is not genuinely motivated to discover the truth, but to justify their feelings.

Rationalization looks not at reality, but at what one wants to be true. It means the sin of living inside your head; confusing the "I wish" with the "it is".

Instead of seeing a person and their actions at face value, we rationalize all the signs and red flags. We have to learn to see a person for who they are… and not who we want them to be. We tell ourselves we are trying to convince our partner we are committed to them, when the truth is, we are only trying to convince ourselves to stay.

---

 Updated Reflection – Why We Miss the Signs:

Since writing this article nearly ten years ago, I’ve learned even more about how trauma can cloud our judgment—and how our survival responses (like freezing or fawning) can cause us to ignore red flags that aren’t always loud or obvious. If you’re doing the hard work of breaking these patterns, here’s something I’d like to add…

Sometimes we choose not to see things for what they are, but for what we want them to be...

Rationalization is when you begin to explain away the behavior of your partner. You tell yourself, 'He's just tired,' 'She doesn't mean it,' or 'They had a rough day.' When you start defending someone's dysfunction just to protect them or your image of them, you're not helping yourself or them.

You start to lose yourself. You begin adjusting your boundaries and values to make room for their disrespect. You make excuses out of love, out of fear, or out of habit.

But at some point, the truth knocks. And when it does, don't silence it. Don't rationalize. Don't explain it away. Call it what it is and let the truth come in...even if it its scary to accept.

Not All Red Flags Are Obvious

In the years since I first wrote this, I’ve deepened my understanding of why we rationalize—and how our trauma responses can play a big role in that. Sometimes, what keeps us from recognizing red flags isn’t just denial… It’s survival. Our past experiences shape how we react to fear, love, and control, and those reactions can cloud our judgment. The more we learn, the more we can start to see clearly and choose differently.

Not all red flags are loud or obvious. Sometimes, they don’t show up as black eyes or swollen lips. They might look like silent treatments, controlling behaviors, guilt-tripping, or isolation. Often, we can see toxic patterns in other people’s relationships before we’re willing to admit what’s happening behind our closed doors.

The red flags were always there. I saw them—they just weren’t as bright. They didn’t always look like black eyes or swollen lips. They looked like silent treatments, control masked as concern, guilt-tripping, or being slowly pulled away from people I loved. We often spot toxic patterns in someone else’s relationship before we’re ready to acknowledge what’s happening behind our closed doors.

 Trauma Responses Can Blur Our Vision

Our trauma responses—whether fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—can cloud our judgment and shape how we survive in unhealthy relationships.. When we freeze, we may stay in survival mode and feel stuck. When we fawn, we may over-explain, people-please, or avoid conflict to keep the peace. These instincts may have once protected us, but now they can prevent us from seeing clearly. Understanding these responses helps us name why we stayed silent—and helps us move forward with awareness.

Education Breaks Cycles

We have to name these patterns—not just for our healing, but so we don’t hand them down to our children. When we ignore red flags, rationalize harmful behavior, or stay silent about what we’ve endured, we risk passing on emotional wounds disguised as “normal.” That’s how generational trauma grows.

One of the most powerful truths I’ve heard is:

"You can’t make good decisions with bad information". - Pastor Mike McClure Jr.

And many of us were never given the right information about what safety, respect, and emotional health truly look like. Now that we know better, we do better and have the power to teach better, live better, and love differently.

Takeaway & Reflection

Rationalizing behavior is often a defense mechanism rooted in fear, trauma, or love. But peace comes from truth. This week, begin asking yourself where your trauma responses may have clouded your judgment, and how you can start honoring what you feel and see more clearly.

Wisdom Workouts Engage with our Wisdom Workouts, designed to stretch your perspectives and strengthen your understanding, turning reflection into a powerful tool for personal enlightenment.

1. Have you ever ignored a red flag because it didn’t fit your definition of abuse? What did it look like?

   
   

2. Think about Maya Angelou’s words: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

   
   

   1. What’s one time you didn’t believe someone the first time?

   2. What did they show you — and what did you hope was different?

      
      

3. What beliefs from your past might have made you more likely to rationalize harmful behavior?

   
   

4. What is one truth you’re ready to face—and one step you can take to respond differently next time?

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

― Maya Angelou