"Revelations of a Survivor'" are my lessons hidden in the journey of surviving and living through domestic abuse. It is an ongoing ever-changing process of development throughout the physical and emotional recovery, the judicial process and everything else in between. This is a series" of transparency and vulnerability during moments in which I share my revelations and lessons along my ever-changing story.
"I Can't Sleep"
Journal Entry- 6/18/15
Yesterday during my counseling session with "Sarah", I told her not only has this upcoming jury trial have me anxious when I am awake... but also when I am trying to sleep. For the past two weeks, at night when I close my eyes and try to go to sleep; I feel as though I am in same house/room (despite the fact we have moved houses since the attack). The girls and I couldn't live in the shadows of what happened there and we needed a fresh start. Prior to moving, I let the girls pick out new dishes, silverware etc. for the kitchen. I sold and gave away old furniture in the kitchen and dining room, I bought new beds, comforters and lamps for their rooms, towels and shower curtains for the bathrooms, etc. Obviously, I could afford to redecorate the whole house, but I tried very hard to visually not take the "old" with us and start over.
In my room, I bought a dresser and new furnishings to make that environment visually different too. It was more- so important in this room, because this was the room in which my ex first attacked and attempted to kill me. I bought a new dresser, new lamps, I painted my end tables bright blue ( they were black before), I bought a new bedspread, and pillows, etc. However, the one thing I probably should have made my first priority to dispose of, was my bed. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but because replacing a king size mattress is expensive! Lets just say that now it is now at the top of my priority list.
Anyhow, I lay on the same side of this bed that I used to lay on in the other house and it (the bed), is directly across the room from the door ( just like in the last house); there is a window on the right side of the wall and my bed (just like the last house); I just realized, there is a mirror next to the window....is happens to be the same mirror I had next to the other window ( just like the last house). To my left, there is a hallway that leads past two walk-in closets and into my master bath ( which as you guessed....is on the same side of the room, as the last house)!!
When darkness falls and night creeps in, that is when we try to rest: rest our bodies and our mind... but that is when the devil is most at work; he creeps in like a thief in the night and tries to rob us of our peace.
I know it may he hard to believe, but my bedroom ( and the new house) are nothing like the old one. However, in some ways ( just like most houses), things are structured the same way ( i.e master bath's are generally towards the back of a house vs. front). Never once, until recently... had I thought about it though. It seems my unconscious thoughts are more conscious and present at night, as this is when the world around me is quiet and I am left alone with my thoughts (which seems to be when they are the loudest).
Lately, when I lay my head down and close my eyes, I am transported back into that room of horrors. During the day, it doesn't bother me, but at night...the shadows and silhouettes of the window and doorway's, create the illusion that I am surrounded by the old room I almost lost my life in. My PTSD kicks in, I instantly start to hyperventilate and my heart starts to beat so fast it frightens me. I find myself drawing even closer to John (my boyfriend), who then...more than ever, becomes my "security blanket". I cuddle up under him to feel his warmth and his skin against mine, in order assure me of where I am: which is in the safety of his arms and a new home that is occupied by nothing but love. The only thing left to do is pray that God cover me with peace and calm my spirit. I must remind myself, that not only am I covered and comforted by John's human touch , but more importantly, I am covered by the blood of Jesus and the Holy Spirit... which is all I truly need.
This morning, I woke up and immediately removed the mirror and swapped it with a picture I had hanging on the opposite wall!!! :-)
~MP