Battered Not Broken, Inc. a Domestic Abuse 501 (c) (3) Organization providing education, support, empowerment, and resources for victims of domestic abuse.

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Revelations of a Survivor: I Can't Sleep

June 19, 2015

 

 

 

 

"Revelations of a Survivor'" are my lessons hidden in the journey of surviving and living through domestic abuse. It is an ongoing ever-changing process of development throughout the physical and emotional recovery, the judicial process and everything else in between. This is a series" of transparency and vulnerability during moments in which I share my revelations and lessons along my ever-changing story.

 

"I Can't Sleep"

 

Journal Entry- 6/18/15

 

Yesterday during my  counseling session with "Sarah", I told her not only has this upcoming jury trial have me anxious when I am awake... but also when I am trying to sleep.  For the past two weeks, at night when I close my eyes and try to go to sleep; I feel as though I am in same house/room (despite the fact we have moved houses since the attack). The girls and I couldn't live in the shadows of what happened there and we needed a fresh start.  Prior to moving, I let the girls pick out new dishes, silverware etc.  for the kitchen.  I sold and gave away old furniture in the kitchen and dining room, I bought new  beds, comforters and lamps for their rooms, towels and shower curtains for the bathrooms, etc.  Obviously, I could afford to redecorate the whole house, but I tried very hard to visually not take the "old" with us and start over.

 

In my room, I bought a dresser and new furnishings to make that environment  visually different too.  It was more- so important in this room, because this was the room in which my ex  first attacked  and attempted to kill me. I bought a new dresser, new lamps, I painted my end tables bright blue ( they were black before), I bought a new bedspread, and pillows, etc.   However, the one thing I probably should have made my first priority to dispose of,  was my bed.  It wasn't because I didn't want to, but because replacing a king size mattress is  expensive! Lets just say that now it  is now at the top of my priority list.


Anyhow,  I lay on the same side of this bed that I  used to lay on in the other house and it (the bed), is directly across the room from the door ( just like in the last house);  there is a window on the right side of the wall and my bed (just like the last house); I just realized, there is a  mirror next to the window....is happens to be the same mirror I had next to the other window ( just like the last house). To my left, there is a hallway that leads past  two walk-in closets and into my master bath ( which as you guessed....is on the same side of the room, as the last house)!!

 

 

When darkness falls and night creeps in, that is when  we try to rest: rest our bodies and our mind... but that is when the devil is most at work; he creeps in like a thief in the night and tries to rob us of  our peace.

 

I know it may he hard to believe, but my bedroom  ( and the new house) are nothing like the old one. However,   in some ways ( just like most houses), things are structured the same way ( i.e master bath's are generally   towards the back of a house vs. front). Never once, until recently... had I thought about it though. It seems  my unconscious thoughts are more conscious and  present at night, as this is when the world around me is quiet and I am left alone with my thoughts (which seems to be when they are the loudest).

 

Lately, when I  lay my head  down and  close my eyes,  I am transported back into that room of horrors. During the day, it doesn't bother me, but at night...the shadows  and silhouettes of the window and doorway's,  create the  illusion that I am surrounded by the old room I almost lost my life in.  My PTSD kicks in,  I instantly  start to hyperventilate and my heart starts to beat so fast it frightens me. I find myself drawing even closer to John (my boyfriend),  who then...more than ever,  becomes my "security blanket". I cuddle up under him to feel his warmth and his skin against mine, in order assure me of where I am: which  is in the safety of his arms and a new home that is occupied by nothing but love.  The only thing left to do is pray that God cover me with peace and calm my spirit. I must remind myself, that not only am I covered and comforted  by John's human touch , but more importantly,  I am covered by the blood of Jesus and the Holy Spirit... which is all I truly need.

This morning, I woke up and  immediately removed the mirror and swapped it with a picture I had hanging on the opposite wall!!!  :-)

~MP

 

 

 

 

 
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